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25 diciembre CHRISTMAS DAY POEM
CHRISTMAS
A special message to my friends, Hope the happiness never ends, smells off morning snow just passed, Landing on the frozen grass, Waking up and filled with glee, to presents under the christmas tree.
Smiling faces happy laughs, enjoying gifts that we have passed, trains running along a track, chocolate money for a snack, lights twinkle on the tree, so many orniments for all to see.
Christmas dinner roasts away, joy and celebration through the day, turkey, stuffing, and the dreaded brussel sprout, see the kiddies faces pout, Merry tidings raise your glass, celebrate the year thats past.
A merry christmas to everyone, as is tradition since long years gone, time for christmas to end is near, but never fear theres always next year, raindeers take their final flight, merry christmas to all and to all a good night...
MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYS I HOPE THAT THE NEW YEAR BRINGS YOU ALL MUCH JOY AND HAPPINESS LETS HAVE A GREAT !2006!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE USED ALSO FROM YOUR BIGGEST FAN...
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THE USED 24 diciembre my best present♥♥♥ LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS ♥♥♥
♥♥♥ THANK YOU HAYLEY ITS THE BEST PRESENT I VE EVER HAD ♥♥♥
23 diciembre Merry Christmas
!! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE !!
x0x0x Sila x0x0x 22 diciembre What Dragon am I ?
21 diciembre Things to look forward to...Think Positive…
The recent occurring events on spaces could mean that I have lost some friends here along the way but my partner Damian told me some good advice last night:
What do you care what a small bunch off people you don’t even know think about you? They don’t know you at all like I do and they never will they will only see what that person has said against you! Its 5 days till Christmas and your in a terrible state. 20 or so people siding with him out off millions maybe billions off online spacers isn’t that big a deal! I think you should just stop worrying about all this and concentrate on what is important especially at this time off year your family and your true friends!
That really made me think and I realised especially this morning after reading his comment that I just didn’t care anymore I was sick off trying to explain to him and I still feel I haven’t done anything wrong! So I’m putting this behind me and moving forwards for once and I decided that a good way of doing that would be o blog about the things I’m thinking positively about this week!
To start off I’m back home after a few weeks off upset trying to figure in my head what was going on between me and Damian. Now I feel so much clearer and comfortable around him. The fact that we have chosen to be married is a huge boost for me and we have even decided on a venue! A friend off ours is a wedding planner at a stately manor in Stratford upon Avon. She has agreed to help us have our wedding their in the spring off 2007. The manor itself I will blog more about later but it is a very old historical landmark surrounded by the beautiful countryside! Stratford upon Avon is the birthplace off William Shakespeare the famous Elizabethan playwright. He is most famous for plays such as “Romeo and Juliet”, “Macbeth”, “The Taming of the shrew”, “A midsummer nights dream” to name but a few! The town itself is remarkable and I love to visit their frequently! From the house that still stands where Shakespeare was born and the grand Theatre where his plays were first performed to the magnificent church where he was entombed. There are so many wondrous things to be seen! It’s the perfect place for us to be married!
Yesterday was great for me because I dropped Joshua off at nursery and I got some time alone to do my own thing for a few hours. I strolled around the shops bumped into friends did some reading at the library! It was really nice and I wasn’t at work so I met Damian in the evening and we took a steady walk to pick up Joshua! The great thing about this for me was seeing his little face light up when I walked in the room! He just said: “Mommy you came back like you promise!” I wanted to cry because whenever I drop him off all I see are the tears and it’s hard on me! His minder gave me a surprise also a folder he had painted with all his work in! He had made a Christmas cracker which I’ve placed on our tree! Then he had made a sweet card with a snowman on for me and Damian! He had also made the sweetest calendar for next year with his picture on it! I have it hung proudly in my kitchen.
Well I have friend’s visiting me today so I’m looking forward to that! It will be a nice peaceful day I hope! I was up quite late last night with Joshua he has a terrible chest he couldn’t breathe very good! I’m frightened I have given him the nasty cold I had the other week! It was terrible he keeps asking to be cuddled and well as his mommy I guess it’s the least that I can do for him! He’s had some Tixilix medicine and Vics on his chest so I hope that will sooth him and help unblock his nose. There rest off the week will be excellent for sure! Damian has been planning a lovely Christmas dinner for the three off us. I bought a Jamie Oliver DVD and it’s got tonnes off advice on it for making Christmas cooking much easier! It’s a must have guys really! I’m looking forward to opening presents and seeing Joshua’s face light up at his gifts! All the things that a person such as myself should be enjoying at this time off year!
20 diciembre THE TRUTHTHE TRUTH
This is the truth! I’m the person Syn wrote the blog about! Yet what he said I really didn’t agree with! I may loose more friends by doing this so be it!
To tell this properly like I tried to explain to Syn before but he said it was distortion off the truth I have to go back a few years to before I knew him. I started out going on the net using msn before spaces was invented and I used to have so much fun making friends and I would talk to anyone will nilly not thinking about the fact that although I would get close to these people didn’t know them truly one bit! The one guy was called Joe and I was really, really close to him just as me and Syn… were. Now he told me that he was ill and it was a brain tumour. My grandmother was really ill at the time with the same thing. She was having the CT scan at the time and it had detected the tumour on the front off her head. Then to be certain off what it was she went through a biopsy. Sure enough around the similar time Joe had told me about himself and his situation was worsening and I was growing ever frightened off loosing a great friend! I sometimes found myself shutting myself off from him because I was afraid off knowing what was going on and I would go into denial almost about the whole thing. It was how I dealt with it and I guess in some respects it was the wrong thing to do. Anyway I met Damian around this time also and Joe went very quiet on me. He would ignore my emails and disappear offline when I would arrive. Then he told me that we couldn’t be friends anymore without giving me reason to ask what I had done wrong he mealy said we had become two different people and he wanted to move on. I couldn’t understand it and I was extremely upset over the whole thing. In the end he told a friend the truth. He had lied about being ill to get my sympathy and then when I had gotten with Damian it had annoyed him so he has spun worse lies to hurt me! It was so hurtful I cannot tell you all how difficult that was but I was in a state off great shock and I wouldn’t speak or do anything because all I was thinking about was what I had done to deserve it? I made a pact to myself to be more cautious online and to be weary off falsehoods. In the end my cautiousness may have cost me a dear friend and I want to be open about this and honest about everything!
I have known Syn for many months and we had grown very close friends. I do admit I had recently grown distant but it wasn’t just him it was with everyone online. After the trebles I had on my old space I realised I had become too entangled within the web and I had to pull myself free off it! I cut myself off and decided I had to sort out my real life issues! People didn’t hear or see me for quite a while until one day reading through people’s comments I decided that enough people cared to see me back and that was so important and meaningful to my decision to return to spaces. Syn was good to me at that time as he has always been since we were first friends. He has always helped me with many things and I owe him a lot! I thank him for all that! I’m not trying to gain trust or to lie and scheme whisper treachery or turn peoples thoughts from the obvious reason why I am blogging now. I merely want to make you all understand how dear Syn’s friendship is to me and to make you understand how I would never EVER wish to hurt him or be any of the things he has accused me off being! It’s really shocked and discussed me and I couldn’t believe it when I saw that blog how he could say such things! He hasn’t even spoken to me about the blog on msn he won’t speak to me and I feel that he should have! When Syn called me and told me about his scan I was deeply upset and extremely concerned about him. Yet in the back of my head a thought just appeared off something that Joe had said to me, something similar about his CT scan and I got spooked! I pushed the thought aside and tried to be comforting for him tried to tell him I was there for him! I always would help him and talk to him if he needed me no matter what! I never stopped talking to him because off my new friend. I have made lots off new friends over the months since I met Syn but only one has become a really close friend. The new friend that I made was Hayley! I hope she doesn’t mind me saying her name but I want to be as open about everything as I can! She became a good friend and yes I spoke to her frequently but I never butted out Syn to speak to her NEVER! Then things at home got difficult again! My job and Damian and most importantly I needed time with Joshua. He will always be my most important number one priority and no one else can better him! I spent less time online and a lot off friends had noticed this and asked me what was wrong I have had many comments about it! I have to admit to you I questioned Syn’s honesty about the whole thing and maybe you will all think that was wrong and callous! I never mentioned honestly to Syn when he asked me about my distancing I told him it was because I was upset about it all, that was TRUE! It wasn’t a lie I didn’t lie I just held back I didn’t tell him all my concerns. I should have told him I wish I had but I was afraid he wouldn’t understand. Then a discussion with my friend Natricia brought everything to the surface! I think it was just all bottled up and I had no one else to talk to! So I asked her what she thought about everything! She asked me why? I told her my concerns and about Joe and how I had been afraid to talk to Syn about it. Over a small period off time I might have talked to Natricia several times about it but not for the entire conversation and it wasn’t all that we discussed. Syn writes this in his blog against me:
The mutual friend said that she had taken pity on me because she could see I was trying to figure things out for myself. She then disclosed information hesitantly and with a promise of not disclosing it. Initially I have honoured this, but after seeing my friend’s blog, rage at their injustice and lies has forced me to change my mind.
I was so upset and I felt confused at what this meant how Natricia could tell him these things as I had entrusted my feelings with her. I think in the end she was only doing what I had been afraid to do for a long period off time. Despite Nat being involved in it also he deleted all trace off me and pasted that blog on his space! Despite not speaking my name it was like a knife in my chest to read and to be called: Evil, liar, deceitful, callus, to name but a few! It was wrong I’m none off those things!
He’s got the wrong end of the stick I never lied once. Not once. It’s because I wanted to sort things out for myself without sounding pushy or without sounding like I was doubtful. I didn’t wanna hurt him and in the end it seems that’s happened anyway. All I did was have a doubt a sense off insecurity because off past upsets! Joe isn’t Syn I know this but still past hurts leave scars and worries behind.
The only other person I told about my concern was Sejin. We have had troubles in the past with him lying so I guess I figured he would be able to tell someone lying as he had! That was a mistake to tell him I should have kept all my thoughts to myself or spoken directly to Syn about them not talk about it with other people behind his back! I didn’t do it to be mean or to spread lies about him! I never told anyone what to think off him or what to believe I merely said what I was feeling to two friends who were kind enough to listen to me! For that I am sorry Syn and well sorry wont change anything but I had to say it! I supposedly spent weeks off effort lying to him? What about I’m not sure I never said anything much to him about his illness I merely asked him how he was coping! I never spoke to Nat much about my concerns the past month I just thought it wasn’t right to keep going over the same thing and that I should either trust Syn and be supportive or tell him and risk loosing his friendship. I decided on the first one! Yet it was all for nothing. The other night we talked quite late and it was so lovely to talk to him and not have any distractions. Damo was miles away as I was at mom’s house and josh was fast asleep! We spoke for a good length off time and I felt after a sense off great happiness in speaking with him and then the next day I got that email and message on my space! How shocked I was I cannot tell you then reading his blog it just upset me even more! I’m so upset but I’m not going into that all I want is for people to understand my side!
The blog wasn’t deleted because off the holes that were supposedly their! It was deleted to make way for this one! THE TRUTH that you asked for is right here…
Maybe all that you have told me is true if it is I’m sorry to have doubted you but things you have said simply haven’t always seemed right with me and mostly I think because off what has happened to me before I have been too cautious! I f that has cost me your friendship so be it… I have never lied to you I chose not to voice my concerns! 15 diciembre Finding Spirit
Nina lay dreaming softly in her bed a dream off cream cakes and chocolate pie, fairy’s sat atop a sparkling tree. A roasting hot fire and the sent of wine! Then a faint sound tingled in her ear and she found herself slowly opening her eyes wondering what she had heard and if it had been a part of her dream. The room was silent as she looked around at the familiar objects scattered around. Her books sat on a shelf and her desk where she sat and drew most evenings before bed. Her collection off stuffed animals piled in the corner of her room. Then she heard it again, the sound like a tingling in her ear. Slowly she lifted herself up and slipped out of her bed. Her soft slippers warmed her feet and she crept over to the curtains by her window and slowly peeped through into the darkness beyond. She saw her bike leaning on the wooden fence in the garden. The soft glow of the street light burning by the roadside, the sound off the wind blowing past the window! Nina sighed how she had wished to look from her window and see nothing more than a blanket off white snow. It seemed too much to wish for! Then just as she was about to return to bed a sight caught her eye and the tingle sounded once more! She looked out the window and her eyes fixed on a dash of light flying through the air at fast speeds towards her window! Nina rubbed her eyes and looked again but the light was still clearly visible shooting toward her house. As it drew nearer a sudden rush off wind blew against her window, Nina stepped back slowly as her windows were thrown open and the wind blew into the room throwing her curtains around in a terrible frenzy. The tingling grew louder still until the whole off Nina’s room became filled with a bright white light! She edged backwards even more shielding her eyes. Nina bumped into the wall and slumped onto the floor. The tingling continued to sound for what seemed like a lifetime until finally the wind died and with it the room grew silent. Nina didn’t uncover her eyes straight away she sat curled in a ball listening to only the sound off her breathing. Then a sudden jingle made her jump and she lifted her head suddenly looking around the room. It was dark again extremely dark, Nina had difficulty seeing around the room. Slowly her eyes grew accustom to the darkness and she crawled across the floor looking for a sign of the disturbance. She slowly got to her feet and moved over to the open window but nothing could be seen but the street light and her bike still perched against the garden fence. Then suddenly a sound made Nina turn. Their laid almost lifeless on her bed was something Nina hadn’t expected to see. Every year on the 1st of December Nina and her parents set up their Christmas tree, every year they decorated it together and every year Nina put Tinsel her favourite snow white fairy with her paper wings and cotton hair on the top off it. Now Tinsel lay on Nina’s bed but she wasn’t like her usual statue self. Se had a sudden sense off life but it was barely visible. Nina moved over to her bed and looked down at the fairy lying upon her bed sheets. Tinsel seemed exhausted her eyes were closed and her tiny belly rose and fell as she breathed. Nina held out her hand and scooped Tinsel up off the bed. She sat down on the floor with Tinsel wrapped protectively in her arms. The little fairy’s eyes fluttered open suddenly and she gazed up at Nina. A small smile crossed her face and Nina smiled too unsure what to do. Then Tinsel opened her mouth to speak and Nina listened very carefully for the fairy spoke as quick as she could urgently passing the information. “Nina I must ask for your help! I don’t have much time but you must take this gift that I am about to give. When it is yours you must go from here and find the spirit off Christmas for it is lost and without it all will be lost!” Nina wanted to speak she was extremely confused but she knew that Tinsel didn’t have time to explain. Nina nodded in agreement to Tinsels request and at that same moment the tingling filled the room and Tinsel shone with the same white light until the whole room became full off it. Then it grew dark again and as Nina looked down into her hands Tinsel still lay their but she was just the same old fairy from the Christmas tree with her paper wings and cotton hair. Nina looked around wondering at first what on earth she should do. What the gift was? How she could leave her home on Christmas Eve without her family worrying? Where was she supposed to go? Had she had a silly dream? Nina moved over to her dresser placing Tinsel down upon it. Nina spoke to Tinsel trying to wake her trying to find answers. Tinsel didn’t move. Nina grew disappointed and slumped on her seat staring at the fairy sitting upon her dresser. Then she looked past the fairy and found herself looking into the mirror at her reflection. The room was still dark so it was difficult to see but her long wispy blond hair lay about her young face. Nina’s face was that off a 9 year old little girl and her bright green eyes shone with a light sparkle off courage and determination. Nina took her hand and curled her blond hair back from her face and around her ears but she stood suddenly in shock as she noticed the shape of them. They had grown pointy on the ends just like Tinsels ears. She as amazed by them and touched the tops, wondering if they were indeed real or a figment off her imagination. Sure enough they were real to the touch. Nina looked more closely at herself beginning slowly to realise what Tinsels gift had been. Not realising at first she felt something new, something that was attached to the bone at the top off her back. Two wings were folded neatly behind her and slowly she felt the ability to open them out to their full form. They were as long as her and as wide as two people. Nina placed her hands out and touched them. They felt so smooth and as her fingers bushed them a soft sound a tingling almost the same as Tinsels sounded around the room. Nina took quite some time changing into some off her clothes. She hid her wings under her long coat. She crept downstairs into the kitchen and packed her bag with small rashes off food. Then she slowly crept through the house and out off the front door. Grabbing her bike she took off down the road into the night with no idea where she was going or how she was going to keep her promise to Tinsel! After an hour or so, Nina found herself surrounded by total darkness. Only the sound off an owl hooting in a far off tree. Nina pulled up by the side off the road and tried to think what she had to do. Her soft wings brushed against her coat and tingled softly. This was an amazing gift to have received but Nina’s problem was understanding how best to use it. She knew it was to help protect something far greater than herself and that she may be the only hope of it. That is what Nina had concluded until something happened then that she did not expect. Someone was running along the road towards her very quickly it seemed. She pulled her bike from the road and into the brush to avoid being seen. As the person grew much clearer she noticed that it was a young boy maybe 6 or 7 years old and he was going somewhere in quite a hurry. Well Nina was curious at this moment so she carefully slipped from the brush to the side off the road and began to wave at the boy. He stopped dead looking at her in amazement. Then he spun to look back down the road at two yellow lights heading right for him. Nina waved him over to her and the pair jumped back into the brush to hide as the car drew closer... 13 diciembre ♥♥YUMMY♥♥
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PS: Ermmmm hi just a mesage to TARA cannot seem to get on your space to thank you for that wicked comment :-D x0x0x
The Future
PLANNING
Did you ever find yourself as a kid imaganing your big day? For me thats a deffinate yes! I would picture the handsome groom stood at the alter of a magnificent church and I could imagine myself in a beautiful gown! The groom for me at the age of 8 was played by my sister and my wedding gown resembeled a tatty long white nighty and an old curtain net! I would have some silly high heals on that didn't fit me and makeup that was maybe slightly over applied to my face! Yet it would all come together and i would walk along my bedroom floor singing the wedding march and picturing the real thing! Maybe thats a silly thing for a child to be thinking about. Acorrding to my future mother in law ambitions and goals are supposed to be things such as your carreer. Well the way I see it my goul may have always been to have a family and be married but who wouldn't think such things when they were surrounded by family members doing exactly that! My cousins were much older than me in their early 20's and all having children as I was growing up! I remember changing bums and giving bottles when I was about 12 to my little cousin emily! When my mother re married in 1999 I was about 15 years old and I loved going to the bridal shop to try on the dresses! Yes I may have only been the bridesmaid but it was still something spectacular to me! Then I was the maid of honour when my cousin married and yet againI was in a beautifull fancy frock walking through a crowd off admiring family and friends! Although the attention wasn't on me it was on my cousin and I dreamed off the day when heads would turn as I walked in the room in a lucious white gown on my wedding day!
A church wedding is what I've been thinking about mostly over a civil ceremony! I imagine walking down the long row off seats as beautifull organ music bellows through the church and the sweet smell off hundereds off flowers around me all standing in wonderful dazzeling arrangements! That would be so wonderful so perfect as the gazes I would recieve as I walked down the isle would last much longer! Maybe thats selfish but it will be my day so why not!
Well it will be Damians day too! No matter how much people focus on the bride I will be 100% focused on him and why chouldn't I be when the day itself is all about us becoming one in a holy union! I'm not all obsessed with religion but I have feelings that something higher and far greater exists and that in itself makes me feel somehow more determined to marry Damian properly by a vicar in a church! I don't know if you guys get that but its what I've been thinking about anyway!
Well Damian bought me this bride magazine and I was so bloody shocked by prices off invitations! Thousands off pounds some off them can cost and their is hardly anything to them! Its rediculous! I would rather buy some nice paper and write them out myself! It would be much better and less expensive!
The day I marry Damian is going to be so specail not only for the fact the I love him with all my heart but the fact that well being married will mean my name at last will be the same as him and my son! I will be:
Mrs Lisa Jane Drayton
I love that much better than my actual last name at the moment! Its horrible lol!!!
All in all I know its oing to be a wonderfull day! I want to save up over the next year and then we will be married in the spring off 2007! I'm so excited because that gives me plenty off time to make plans! I'm gonna have to by a diary too! I''ll probably be one off those really obssessed brides who runs around with a book and a mobile calling people every five minuites screaming at caterers and flower people LOL !!!
I've seen too many movies I guess and I hope I don't get like that! Anyway I don't rally know what this blog is for or what its about to be honest I think I was just really caught up with all this wedding stuff and as usuall Sila writes it down and peeps read it and think what the heck is she on about? Ahh well a girl can dream is all I can say!
xxx Hugs xxx
x0x0x Sila x0x0x 11 diciembre HAPPIER DAYS HAPPIER FUTIRE
It’s a funny thing emotion! You can experience them so suddenly you can jump from one to the other so very quickly! With me it seems I’ve done that a lot the past 48 hours! My last blog may have worried you all so very much and for that I’m so very sorry! I hate to be the bearer of bad news especially when it’s me bitching about myself because I hate to sound selfish! I don’t want sympathy it’s not why I wrote that blog. It was more about me getting my feelings out and by god I felt better doing it and I cannot tell you all how many times I’ve actually sat and read that blog over and over but it helped me put a lot off things into perspective. The truth is that the past 48 hours have been an amazing emotional tiring rollercoaster and let me say thank you to everyone who left me a comment I’m gonna sit and write back to you all personally as soon as I can get 5 minutes to do so! Right now I just wanted to blog to let people know I’m ok!
Well I finished my last blog with tears streaming down my face as I pressed the submit button! I was so emotional and Joshua noticed this as well which was difficult and just upset me more to see him worried! I was listening to the song I have on my space at the moment feeling that I would be alone without Damo and I would hate that so much! I was so gutted as I packed a bag and waited for my friend Sejin to arrive and pick me up! Then Damo called me and asked how I was and apologised for his actions about the bowling issue! Well then I felt worse and I said are you alone I need to talk to you! He said yes he was and I told him I had enough off his over protectiveness and that I was leaving him! He was shocked tried to talk me out off it naturally but I stuck to my guns before he could finish he got cut off and I grabbed my things and left the flat with Joshua. Meanwhile as I drive into town to say goodbye to my friends Damo was running to the car to drive home. He then changed and drove 120 miles to my mother house on the east coast off Yorkshire to try and win me back! I didn’t know about this until I was at my sisters and Damo called me on a payphone! Then well he asked to come to my sisters to talk! I said just to talk it was 6 in the evening by the time he arrived he had driven over 200 miles! I was worried about him driving home. He apologised for his actions said he realised he was being controlling and he would stop it! I said he had promised before but never changed! He said he knew he could loose me and it scared the shit out of him! I was so shocked as he sat ad cried in front off me! Now guys you can say he put on a show to win me over... but I know that it wasn’t that! He was being genuine! He loves me and Joshua so much and I love him just as much!
He asked me a question that evening he hadn’t asked me since my 18th birthday! He asked me to marry him and he said he wanted to do it next year. After 48 hours off thinking about it I have told him I want to get married as long as he promises to change his ways and to stop controlling me! I am worried people will think I have rushed to this decision that Damo may not change his ways! I don’t believe any of those things one bit! I hope that you will understand my decision! It s not rash I have thought about it a lot. As long as Damo keeps to his word I am happy to marry him we have set a date for next September an autumn wedding! I think it will be close family and friends! His parents are gonna freak out when they find out! They hate me so I don’t think they will be too pleased to know but Damo said he doesn’t care what they think! You know neither do I! The way I see it I love Damian so why shouldn’t I marry him if I want to! We will be a family with Joshua and I think things will be happily ever after!
xoxox I just wanna say thanks again to everyone who commented it was so sweet of you all your comments mean so much to me really they do! So thank you xoxox
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ME 
BEST WISHES 
0x SILA x0
FEELING BETTER
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